Somewhere between wanting to believe and actually believing this. Closer to the latter, really. Just difficult to think that when things are going hard. But things aren't as hard as they used to be. It's different.
And I should be sleeping right now, but my brain won't be quiet. Brothers are both finally sleeping, but I'm awake and pondering. Considering all of those great questions of life--I mean, what else would keep me up at 2AM? For some time, until recently, even, I was still wrestling with the idea of if I was even real. I mean, I started out as a roleplaying character. Who is to say that that isn't what I really am? Despite the fact of the things my brothers and I have done. And we have done things. Poked certain actions to fall into place. Make things happen. So, for all intents and purposes I am real. Okay. Then what the heck am I? Soulbond? No. I don't think so. I come from a TV show--or at least that is how Mun found me. But I don't think I started from there. Have a whole history that I'm...we're not even aware of. But I had a flash of a memory. I'm not sure if it has happened or it will come. I just don't know. With my brothers. But I do know it is something we hadn't done in recent time. Mun's being accepting of what is. And, then the possibility of what we are, what we have been claiming to, what feels right, but still takes some getting used to...angels. Yeah. What the fuck, right?
But, in some ways, it makes sense. Given what we can do. Guardian angels. But why is it that we are like this, not knowing for sure what we are or what we can do? But Peter can do things I can't do. But the things he can do that I can't, it's only because he has had more practice, I think. I haven't experimented so much. Hell, I was just accepting of the time Mun gave me online and over texts.
But we met recently. The three of us. In the physical space with the Muns and everything. Learned a lot that time, as lightning_hound
indicated. And what the fuck! You'll see this post time-stamped as 12:37AM and Peter's post was made at 4:37PM. That was completely unintentional. We do create patterns. Patterns that we aren't even aware we are creating. They're just natural. I feel...Mun and I, I think, we're trying to orchestrate things that we have no control over. It's not like we're trying to manipulate anything. I don't know how to even describe what I'm talking about. Only, maybe this will make more sense. Both of us have a good sense of people (kinda). We aren't easily surprised. People generally are what we expect them to be. So when someone surprises one of us, it's like someone's pulled the rug from under us. Cause falling is one of the worst things anybody can do. Something I believed even before I learned I could fly.
I'm still not very tired. This is not good. It's closer to two now and we gotta get to work at ten. Not good at all. I still don't feel like I have gotten out what I need to say. I don't know what I even need to say. But the fact that I'm saying anything at all is helpful and maybe will get the gears moving in my head to cause me to say what I'm dancing around.
There were some things I wanted to mention.
Are you familiar with the band Evermore? I heard "Light Surrounding You" and was rather taken by it. It was on the iPod already. So we decided to buy the rest of the songs, too. Especially after reading the lyrics for "Running." This seems to be an album about us. The best part of the song comes in these three lines:
we don't need a tv show
to tell us which way to go
we just need to do what we know
I can't believe there is a song that says this so bluntly. I'm curious what the song writer's original intention for these lines is. It's just a little too perfect. And I really do Love "Light Surrounding You." *sighs* Great song.
Anyway, there are a few other things I wanted to mention too. Spirit Guides and Angel Guardians
, by Richard Webster, is a good book. Mun had the sense she needed to buy a book today and she found this one. At just the time when she was going to give up. Silly Mun. And it reinstated the idea to her that I am real. See this:
"I personally believe that a constructed guardian angel is real. By creating a thought form, we have created a living parcel of vibrant, loving, healing, and nurturing energy. That thought form is real, as real as the chair I'm sitting on."
So even if that's all that I am, it's still alive. I've been thinking of the Velveteen Rabbit imagry, too. A non-alive being who is Loved so much that he becomes real. Love creates life. It's an amazing thing.
And finally, you should follow Sophie Lhoste
. I found this post
particularly interesting. See her talking about July 26th? That's one of the days when my brothers and I were together in the physical.
That's a lot more than I intended, but I suppose it needed to come out. But it feels like a few drips, not like I've turned on the faucet. I need to get into the habit of writing again, and not just writing but writing honestly. Writing as I am and the life I am leading with my brothers and the Muns in this plane.